Leaving Home, Coming Home: Daughter's Perspective

Luke 15: (ESV)13 Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. 14 And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to [1] one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. 16 And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.17 “But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger!18 I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ 20 And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. 21 And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ [2] 22 But the father said to his servants, [3] ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. 23 And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. 24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate.

I was an angry adolescent, and during my last year of high school, I didn't care about my future.  

By force and peer pressure, I applied to the University of the Philippines (U.P.) in Diliman, Manila.  My second choice was U.P. Baguio.  Three months before university classes started, I walked up to the bulletin board in the Diliman campus, scanned through the names lined up in alphabetical order, and was relieved to find mine. But as I ran my finger to the course I was accepted in, I burst into a hoarse cackle.

"Sacha Calagopi--Baguio Campus--double major in the liberal arts."

I was accepted into the only school I applied to, but to the Baguio campus.  How was I going to survive the hill station that was devastated just a year ago?  I laughed again. What will I do without my friends?  I don't know how to live alone.  How will I cook?  Do my laundry?  Will my parents support me?  They were only there when I did something wrong.  I wasn't sure if they were going to provide for me.

That June of 1991, my Mom stuffed me into a Victory Liner bus along with herself, and we traveled through the barren lahar region of Angeles and the dizzying roads of Naguilian to arrive in Baguio more than eight hours after we left the decrepit station.  

I turned my face toward the window and cried under my breath throughout the bus trip.  I don't want to go to Baguio.  I don't want to leave my friends.  They're my only support group. I have no life skills.  I cried and I slept.  I cried and I slept.  And this went on for a day.

My mom shook me awake in the morning, pushed me into a taxi cab, dragged me into the university and helped me enroll.  She also found an ad for a room rental, so we looked at a fairly modern Baguio home. I agreed that I could live there and the contract was signed. My parents also promptly placed me on a one hundred peso a day allowance.  When I was in high school, I wasn't given a regular allowance, so I didn't know how to budget.  I also didn't know how to cook so I often ate in fast food restaurants.

I quickly learned that living alone incurs quite a few expenses.  I had to pay for my meals, my jeepney rides to school, my laundry.  I had to pay for cassette tapes that I wanted to buy and jeans that I wanted to wear.  I wanted to pay for books that I wanted to read.  I wanted, wanted and wanted, and the reality was that I couldn't pay for what I wanted.

I was also blaming my parents for not giving me enough money to live in Baguio.  They don't love me anyway and they can't fulfill my emotional needs so the least they could do is pay well for my stay here!  My resentment continued to build.

It wasn't long before I figured out how to get what I wanted.  My parents issued me checks for my allowance and rent.  And it wasn't long before I discovered that I could change the numbers and words on the checks and receive a higher amount than what my parents originally intended me to have.  Through the use of a sign pen, I was able to transform one thousand first transformed into seven thousand, and later on nine thousand.

I was always highly anxious when I forged these checks.  I remember praying and crying out to God and pleading for his forgiveness.  But at the same time, my desires for material things and the false perception of the satisfaction that it could bring, trumped my conscience. So I continued to forge.

Until one day, a check bounced.

Concurrently, I had decided to leave U.P. Baguio, so I had taken steps to apply to another university in Manila.  I took the test, submitted my application and was awaiting my acceptance letter.

The bank called my parents, and they were able to trace my thefts to the previous months. 

Needless to say my father was very angry.  His face was very red and his hand was lifted in the air, ready to hit me.  "Why, Sacha?  Why did you steal from me?  Haven't we given you everything?"  He asked over and over.

I remained silent. How could I tell him that I didn't feel love from him?  How could I tell him that I was angry at him, at the world? How could I tell him that since he didn't love me, I felt entitled to steal from him?  I wanted these things that I perceived he deprived me of.  I believed that those things would make me happy.

"I'm never going to support you anymore.  You're on your own," he yelled as I fled the room.

He sent one of his employees to U.P. Baguio to file for my honorable dismissal, and I spent one of the worst summers of my life.  

It was the summer of 1992, the tail end of the Aquino administration.  We had an energy crisis, which translated to back breaking ten hour blackouts, and a drunken haze for me.  I remember waking up, going to my best friend's house and playing pusoy dos, a Filipino version of poker. I remember going out almost every evening with some of my high school friends. We smoked pack after pack and chugged beer and scotch and tequila.

My life had no meaning, no purpose, no direction.  An endless cycle of card games and drinking.  I half-heartedly thought about looking for a job as a flight attendant.  But the call to the empty life that I lead seemed stronger at that time.  This went on for two months.

Then one day, my father woke me up.  "Dress up," he was curt.

Hungover and groggy, I put on my jeans and a Tin-Tin t-shirt, and my father drove me to Ateneo, the university that I eventually graduated from.

I entered the registrar's office and she handed me an enrollment form.  That day, my father also took me to the bank, opened up a savings account and promised to give me P2000 per month.  

He kept his word and never mentioned the incident of the forged checks again.

My father forgave me.  He also forgot.

It took me awhile to get my footing back in school.  I was able to live within a budget.  I never stole a cent again.  Eventually, I started doing well in university, and during my third year, I found a part time job, so I was able to stop asking for an allowance and begin to self support.

Sometimes, God presents us with earthly relationships to become a metaphor for our relationship with Him.  I was the prodigal daughter and my earthly father completely forgave me.  It is this forgiveness that has helped me become a productive citizen.

Twelve years later, I experienced the same forgiveness from my Heavenly father, when I decided to return, surrender my life to Him and humbly ask for His lordship over every area of my life.

It is His forgiveness and love that paved the way for me to reclaim my daughterhood, and become an active citizen of His Kingdom.

Shoot a prayer:

Is there anything in your life that you need to ask forgiveness for? Pray to your Heavenly Father.  It's time for you to go home.

A Miracle for Michael

Acts 12: ⁶ (The Message) Then the time came for Herod to bring him out for the kill. That night, even though shackled to two soldiers, one on either side, Peter slept like a baby. And there were guards at the door keeping their eyes on the place. Herod was taking no chances!

^7-9Suddenly there was an angel at his side and light flooding the room. The angel shook Peter and got him up: "Hurry!" The handcuffs fell off his wrists. The angel said, "Get dressed. Put on your shoes." Peter did it. Then, "Grab your coat and let's get out of here." Peter followed him, but didn't believe it was really an angel—he thought he was dreaming.

What I'm about to tell you is a true story. Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved.

My cousin, Michael, was kidnapped a few weeks ago. 

Jackie, Michael's sister, owned an internet cafe in a dodgy part of Las Pinas, Manila.  Jackie, Michael and Angelo were hanging out in the cafe and closing time was a few minutes away.  

Five gunmen barged into the internet shop.  Jackie, following the wise instructions of her father, was calm.  She willingly handed over the cafe's cash box.

"Here's the money," she informed one of the gunmen.  She gently pushed him.  "Now go away."

He clasped her wrist as he broke into a cold sweat and quivered from nervousness.

"What the hell.  I gave you the money.  Now go away!" Jackie firmly said.

Michael was standing on the sidelines and immediately understood what the gunmen donning ski masks wanted to do.  "Take me instead," he volunteered.

The gunmen proceeded to stuff Jackie, Angelo and the security guard into the bathroom.  

Julian instinctively handed over his swiss knife to Jackie.  "This is from my girlfriend.  Keep it."

"Make sure you don't open the door and go out," warned one of the gunmen in Filipino.  "I'm leaving a grenade by the door so if you open it, you will be killed."

The kidnappers locked the door from the outside and proceeded to take Michael, their willing victim, to Jackie's car.

Meanwhile, Jackie, Angelo and the security guard used the swiss knife to cut through the bathroom window's wiring.  They were able to escape, contact my uncle and ask for help.

The next day, my cousin's family pleaded for prayers through phone calls, text messages and Facebook.  I received chain emails from people who didn't know Michael, appealing for his release and our vigilance.  Family members and friends leaned on God, trusted Him, pleaded with Him and constantly supported Michael's parents and siblings. My uncle even mentioned that there were nuns from the southern part of the Philippines dedicating their prayer time to the unequivocal release and safety of Michael.

During one of my prayers, God was reminding me about a story in the bible--Peter's rescue from prison(Acts 12: 6-11).  He wanted me to share this passage with my aunt, but I felt that it would be insensitive for me to tell my aunt, "Hey, guess what?  Michael will be rescued by an angel."  The next day, I prayed for Michael again and God kept reminding me about the same passages.  So I texted my aunt to read them.

Unbeknown to me, Jackie's boyfriend, Ramon, had a similar vision.  While he was praying he saw himself rise to the clouds and there he encountered an angel.  He sensed that the angel was on its way to rescue Michael.

Now back to Michael and the kidnappers. Throughout this ordeal, Michael remembered the book The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks.  He used the tips in the book to help him remain mindful and safe in his perpetrator's hands.

The kidnappers stuck masking tape over his eyes and asked him to wear sunglasses with small frames.  Michael was able to loosen the masking tape and see where the kidnappers where taking him through the corner of his eye.  He memorized the way from the Las Pinas cafe to the Bulacan safehouse.

He befriended the kidnappers by smiling, asking them how they were and engaging them in small talk.  He even played hand games with one of them.  He was also clever in his conversations.  

"You live in Ayala Alabang, don't you?" asked one of the gunmen, referring to a posh subdivision in Manila.

"Sir," Michael answered in Filipino.  "I fought with my father so my family lives in Alabang but I live in Las Pinas," he said referring to the poverty stricken area near the internet cafe.

"Where do you go to school?," another gunman asked.

"I go to the University of the Philippines.  I'm a scholar taking fine arts."  In reality, Michael attended one of the more expensive universities in the city.

Michael also shared that he was a four time judo champion.  It was his way of protecting himself from physical harm.

The kidnappers didn't carry enough money with them to pay for the highway toll, so they used the cash stolen from Jackie's internet cafe.  They brought Michael to the first safehouse located in Bulacan.  He was tied and placed in a corner with chairs surrounding him.  A young lady carrying an infant served and fed him.

Meanwhile, my uncle, a very prayerful man and the head of his family, decided to go to the police.  It's unusual for a family with a kidnapped victim to seek help from the police because one, the police are usually inefficient, and two, the family will not be allowed to pay off the kidnappers. This can ultimately lead to the death of the victim.

I mentioned that my uncle is the undeniable head of the family because in many families undergoing the same situation, the spouses aren't in agreement as to where to seek for help, how much to negotiate down to and other details surrounding the kidnapping.  In Michael's family's case, the family members agreed and supported all of my uncle's decisions.

My uncle decided to contact PACER (Police Anti-Crime Emergency Response).  This is an elite group of policemen directly under the president.  But more importantly, they were known for being highly  successful in handling kidnap-for-ransom cases.

Concurrently, Michael, was picked up by another branch of the kidnap-for-ransom gang.  He was taken from Bulacan to the Pangasinan safehouse.

Michael described the room he was stationed in.  It was the family home of one of the kidnappers.  Besides the gang, the kidnapper's wife and child lived in the home.  The windows were opaque and jalousies were installed to discourage his escape.  He was given a bed, towel and bar of soap.  From inside the bathroom, he peered through the hollow block walls.  He was in the middle of a rice field and in the distance he saw huts that were built with bamboo and cogon leaves.  The home where he stayed in was the only one made from concrete.

He spent the next few days in Pangasinan praying and again, remembering tips from The Zombie Survival Guide.  

He noticed a hanging nail on the wall.  He proceeded to yank it out, cut through the layers of his cargo pants and let it slide to the bottom of his hem.  The nail was his weapon, just in case he needed to fight.  At the same time, he didn't want the kidnappers to find it in his pocket.

At one point, he was very bored.  He asked one of the gunmen for a piece of paper.  He handed him the notebook of the child who lived in the house.  When Michael opened the notebook, he read the names of the family members.  He knew that he could be killed for obtaining this information so he memorized the names and flushed the paper down the toilet.

The kidnappers played with Michael's mind.  There were moments when they would tell him that his father was about to pick him up.  At other times, he would hear them talk outside of his room--they were plotting to kill him.  They drank alcohol during the day and slept with him in the room during the evening.

After a few days, my cousin was becoming emotionally weary.

Another time, the kidnappers celebrated a child's birthday in the house.  My cousin, who had gotten used to the rice with soy sauce that they fed him, was now delivered spaghetti.  They opened his door and as he received the food, a child peered into the room and their eyes met.

It was then that Michael realized that the people in the town where he was staying in, knew that a kidnap victim resided in that home.  He was livid with anger.

At the same time, PACER was beginning to discover where the kidnappers where hiding Michael. A councilor from Bulacan was kidnapped three months previous.  The councilor remembered the exact location of the safe house and was able to sketch the layout and share where Michael might be.

At six in the evening of Michael's last day, he felt hopeless.  He called one of the gunman.

"Please send me back home to my family.  I can't stay here anymore," he pleaded.

"Uuuuh, I'll tell the others."  The gunman left and joined the others to drink on the patio.

Michael plunged into deep despair. He fell on his knees.  "God, can you hear me?"  

A bird tapped on the metal ceiling of the safe house.  

"God, I surrender my life to you.  My life is in your hands," he cried.  "At least it wasn't Jackie.  If you want to take me, I'll follow your will.  My life is in your hands."

He wept hard for thirty minutes and was half asleep from emotional exhaustion.

Concurrently, the PACER team surrounded the Pangasinan safe house.  At six thirty, two policemen kicked the gates down and pointed their guns to the kidnappers.

The kidnappers did not surrender.  Instead they ran into the house to get their firearms.  The police started shooting.

Michael, to avoid the crossfire, pushed his bed against the door and lay down on the floor.

A policeman kicked Michael's door down.  "Are you Michael?" he shouted.

"Yes, I am."

"Come with me."  Michael caught sight of the man's arm.  Tattooed on it was a pair of angel's wings.

"Wait," Michael replied. "I need to get my shoes."  He jammed his feet into his shoes and him and the policeman darted out of the house and into an SUV.

A few seconds later, one of the kidnappers entered Michael's room carrying a gun and ready to kill.  A policeman shot him dead.  Within five minutes, all gunmen were killed.

My cousin was rescued and not a centavo was paid.

The policemen collected the dead kidnappers' mobile phones.  One text message read, "Kill the pig. There's another one lined up."

The family and authorities took precautions so the press wouldn't get word of what had happened.  This would give PACER enough time to catch gang members who weren't in the Pangasinan safehouse.

But word leaked out to the press.  The people in the community complained about the five deaths.  They said that the killings were a human rights violation.

I pray for them.  I pray for renewed mind and heart.

And, the day that Michael was rescued was on Jackie's birthday.  Her best present yet.

Shoot a Prayer:

What crisis are you currently going through?  Ask God for a miracle and believe that He will deliver in His perfect timeing.

Claiming His Promises

Numbers 21:31 (ESV) Thus Israel lived in the land of the Amorites. 32 And Moses sent to spy out Jazer, and they captured its villages and dispossessed the Amorites who were there. 33 Then they turned and went up by the way to Bashan. And Og the king of Bashan came out against them, he and all his people, to battle at Edrei. 34 But the Lord said to Moses, “Do not fear him, for I have given him into your hand, and all his people, and his land. And you shall do to him as you did to Sihon king of the Amorites, who lived at Heshbon.” 35 So they defeated him and his sons and all his people, until he had no survivor left. And they possessed his land.

I am disappointed in God today. I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to vent, blog and devour a bar of chocolate.

Have you ever felt like God promised you something and He didn't deliver? You're the new graduate pursuing the job you envisioned for yourself. You're the cancer patient claiming that God will melt your tumors away. You're the broken-hearted single waiting for God to heal your heart and bring you a relationship that works. You're the couple waiting for the child God promised you. Didn't He say that He wanted us to increase and multiply?

But day after day, as you trudge through the humdrum of your routine, there is no change. You find yourself yet again on the airport, waiting for the plane to your promised land, and as you look through the schedule boards the plane never seems to arrive.

If you are like me, you probably went through a period of doubt. God, are the promises that you planted in my heart just in my head? Am I hearing you right or did I make a mistake? And all you hear is a deafening silence.

And one day, you give up on His promises. You give up on waiting for the plane. You leave the airport and settle back to what you already have, all the while convincing yourself that what you have today is what's best for you. So suck it up and be happy.

But the lessons from the verses above tell us a different story.

Yes, God promised the Israelites the land, but it wasn't handed to them on a silver platter. The Israelites needed to do their part. They needed to actively engage in a process to claim God's promise.

First, the Israelites decided to get out of their comfort zone--the desert. Imagine a desert, a place with limited resources, a place that wasn't meant to sustain life for the long term. Yes, God provided for the Israelites for forty years in this desert, but it wasn't the destination He meant for them. God desired to multiply their blessings. It was clear to the Israelites that they needed to move out of their desert and into a land that was flowing with milk and honey and the Israelites make a firm decision to do so.

Do you have a comfort zone? Do you feel like God is telling you to make a firm decision to move out of this comfort zone and move into something greater than what you currently have?

Second, the Israelites planned and strategized. Numbers 21:32 And Moses sent to spy out Jazer, and they captured its villages and dispossessed the Amorites who were there. Before engaging in battle, the Israelites spied the land, probably investigating how the people organized themselves and how best they could dispossess the Amorites.

Have you carefully studied and investigated what God wants you to move into?

Third, the Israelites overcame their fears. Numbers 31:34 But the Lord said to Moses, “Do not fear him, for I have given him into your hand, and all his people, and his land. And you shall do to him as you did to Sihon king of the Amorites, who lived at Heshbon.” After doing what we need to do--make a firm decision, plan and strategize, we need to listen to God and surrender our fears to Him. Trust that He will see you through challenging circumstances.

Do you have fears that are holding you back? Have you surrendered them to God? Do you trust Him enough to see you through your difficult circumstances?

Fourth, the Israelites faced their challenges and defeated them. Numbers 31:35 So they defeated him and his sons and all his people, until he had no survivor left. And they possessed his land. This is the part we take action to move in and claim God's promises.

Shoot a prayer:

Reflect on the questions above and ask God to give you the wisdom and strength to claim His promises.

An Unexpected Gift

Psalm 138:8 (ESV) The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.

I was three years old when I started to remember.

I was treading down the pebble wash staircase in my childhood home, holding on to a red Indian tapestry that my parents acquired from one of their travels to the Far East. At the bottom of the staircase was my sister, messy short hair, huge eyes, yelping in gibberish beyond my comprehension.

"Yaya Dory, what is wrong with her?" I asked her nanny.

"Nothing. She is mentally retarded."

I pitied my sister while I was growing up. She couldn't speak words and sentences the way I could. She said, "Tachoo" instead of "Thank you". Her awkward gait never matched my swift run and she went to a special needs school where the teachers taught her how to pour water, push her chair and button her blouse, skills that I could easily do as a five year old.

There were also times when she wet and soiled her pants, so the yayas who took care of her were always upset and burdened. Jhoanna also threw uncontrollable tantrums in public, so as I grew up, my pity grew into an uncontrollable and embarassing shame.

I also wondered why my sister was different. What went on in her mind? Why was her brain different from mine? Why couldn't she understand what adults were saying? Why couldn't she communicate the way others communicated? Why did she have to shout all the time?

I was also worried. What will happen to her when we grow up? What was the point of her life? She's never going to be able to work and live the life that other adults to. Why did God create her?

By the time I was six, I was determined to change the course of her life. My parents and I traveled to India, and during a visit to Mumbai, visited a temple where the elephant god, Ganesha, resided. As a child, I was fascinated by this god--his trunk, the majestic way he raised his head and his huge floppy ears. My parents acquired some holy water from Ganesha and hid it on the top shelf of their closet back in Manila.

One day, I climbed this closet, discovered the holy water, and decided to steal a cup. That night, while my sister was asleep, I sprinkled some holy water on her large droopy eyes, tall nose and high cheekbones. I prayed that she would be healed from what I perceived was her affliction--her mental handicap. I believed in my heart that this holy water was the antidote, the solution to her ailment.

I waited and waited. I waited until she woke up. She opened her eyes and hollered my name, "Shashashashasha!" Her eyes were bright and laughing. But no change.

I waited for a change the next day. "Tachoo, Shasha," she said as I handed her a stuffed toy.

And the next day, "Shashasha amoon amoon." Her hand demonstrating a scooping movement, her way of asking me if I was hungry.

I waited for a miracle to happen in my sister during the next weeks and months. It never happened. One day, I forgot that I hoped. I stopped waiting.

By the time I was nine, I didn't believe in Ganesha or any god. I didn't understand how He could create a being like my sister, who in my perception suffered so much. What was the point of her life? What was its purpose? She couldn't even say simple words like, "Thank you". She couldn't even feed herself properly and go to a normal school. How could God be so cruel? He had no power. Maybe He doesn't exist!

By the time I was in high school, I sought the answers to my questions in psychology: All our brains are wired differently. The causes are numerous. Genetics can play a part. Sometimes a difficult pregnancy. I learned about psychoanalysis, conditioning and play therapy. I put my hope in these antidotes. These solutions.

My major in college was psychology and during my last year, a professor encouraged me to teach because she observed that I understood how the minds of children work and I had excellent rapport with them.

I graduated from university and taught in a preschool a month after. The start of my current profession, a profession that I've been successful at for the past thirteen years.

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands."

The main reason that I am a teacher today is because of my sister, Jhoanna. Through Jhoanna, God planted the seeds of curiosity and care in in me. Through Jhoanna and me, God has blessed many children.

The Lord has fulfilled and continues to fulfill His purposes for Jhoanna and me.

Tachoo, Lord. Tachoo, Jhoanna.

Shoot a prayer:

Have you ever received an unexpected gift through difficult circumstances?

Ask God to speak to you today about His purposes that are beyond your current understanding.

Treasures Waiting for Us

Numbers 13:26 (ESV) And they came to Moses and Aaron and to all the congregation of the people of Israel in the wilderness of Paran, at Kadesh. They brought back word to them and to all the congregation, and showed them the fruit of the land. 27 And they told him, “We came to the land to which you sent us. It flows with milk and honey, and this is its fruit. 28 However, the people who dwell in the land are strong, and the cities are fortified and very large. And besides, we saw the descendants of Anak there. 29 The Amalekites dwell in the land of the Negeb. The Hittites, the Jebusites, and the Amorites dwell in the hill country. And the Canaanites dwell by the sea, and along the Jordan.”

30 But Caleb quieted the people before Moses and said, “Let us go up at once and occupy it, for we are well able to overcome it.”

I met Anna on the day after Christmas, during a day trip to New Haven last year. I was wearing a pink pashmina shawl with woven paisley designs from India and she had taken a liking to it. She asked me if there were similar fabrics in the Philippines and I said I'd take a look.

Five months later, I am back in the East Coast and privileged enough to have the time and means to revisit my friend, and therefore, her mother-in-law, Anna, this time with twenty shawls in tote. She immediately fell in love with the feel of silk, pashmina and chiffon. They were sprawled and wrapped around her couches and seats as she gasped and ogled the chartreause, salmon and crimson, all the while reminiscing about a Bollywood movie and a connection to an old time friend who added color to her life. She thanked me for giving her these treasures, enough material to keep her occupied to design art pieces for women to wear in the months to come. Anna was taking another step in realizing her dream of selling women's clothing that made women feel like they could escape from the humdrum of their daily lives.

She then turned to me and held my hand. She said that she wanted to get to know me more. She wanted to know my inner world, my soul.

"What you see is what you get," I replied. A little uncomfortable but curious and amused.

"But, Sacha, what are you afraid of? What are you holding back?" she prodded.

"What do you mean?" My eyebrows furrowed.

"What are you fearful about?" she continued, gazing into my eyes.

"I don't think I'm afraid of anything," I shrugged and smiled.

"Just remember that there are no coincidences. This meeting is no coincidence."

"I completely agree," I added curtly. We ended that meeting by reading a verse from Proverbs about God's provision and abundance.

That afternoon, I came across the verses above. The Israelites were delivered from slavery in Egypt and had been traveling through the desert for forty years. God had promised them the land of Canaan. Moses instructed the leaders from each tribe to spy the land and come back with a report. The Israelite leaders described a land flowing with milk and honey. They also described fortified cities and people--no small challenge for a people who have been unsettled for many years.

But Caleb quieted the people before Moses and said, “Let us go up at once and occupy it, for we are well able to overcome it.”

I closed my bible and realized that Anna was right. There is something holding me back from doing what I really want to do--fear. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown.

Yesterday, I was at the MoMA, viewing the furniture in the architecture and design section. Amidst chairs made out of Japanese paper and Polish posters, I was meditating on the idea that this was a room full of ideas. And there were all these mini conversations in my head about the artwork. An intense feeling of sadness crept, and I needed to sit down.

I am very grateful that I am in New York City today. But at the same time, I don't want it to end. I don't want to leave this room full of ideas. I don't want this conversation to end.

I keep looking at the fortified cities and strong people--getting a job in NYC, acquiring a visa, resigning from a wonderful job in Manila and saying goodbye to family and friends.

But God is exhorting me to be like Caleb. "Sacha, claim the treasures, the destiny that I have for you. We are connected. You will overcome."

I claim God's treasures. I claim His destiny for me.

I am overcoming.

Shoot a prayer:

What treasures does God want you to claim from Him? What are your fortified cities and strong people? How can you overcome them?

Ask God to enlighten you today and hold your hand as you claim the destiny He has for you.

A New Creation

Genesis 1:1 (ESV) In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. 2 The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.

3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4 And God saw that the light was good. And God separated the light from the darkness.

We've all read this story before and connected it to the creation of our precious planet, the Earth. But after reading it again the other day, a whisper entered my thoughts--I am a new creation.

Like the earth, I was without form. My void was deep. Nothing and no one could fill it.

Like the earth, there was a darkness over my face and inside my heart. The darkness deep, a pit with no end.

Like the earth, the Spirit of God hovered over me. Inviting. I refused Him for many years, perceiving Him as another salesman with a bottle of happiness for purchase. "Come here, daughter. Come to me. And I will quench your thirst." I refused to look at Him or listen. He had disappointed me many times in the past. He never gave me what I wanted. He never solved my unhappiness.

That was in my terrible twenties. These thoughts went on and on. Everyday the same. Another dark day, another life that went around in circles, purposeless, with no end.

My journey included quenching my thirst through relationships, philosophies, religions, psychology, positive thinking, meditation, alcohol, food, travel, and other pleasures that life had to offer. But my darkness was deep, a pit with no end.

I was finding myself, but the more I looked, the more my self evaded me. And then finally, I remembered the invitation. Symbolically, the old tattered envelope that lay on my dresser for years. Friends would tell me about this invitation--the joy they felt in finding the One. The peace that it brought. It all sounded like a cliche.

But I was at the end of my rope. I accepted every other invitation, and I was unhappy, the darkness getting deeper.

I remember accepting the invite. Meeting Him, was like meeting an old friend, but I was actually meeting my father, my creator. I was humbled. I've said no to Him so many times and here I was at His feet, begging Him to save my life. Begging Him to bring me some happiness. Begging Him to forgive me. I was in tears for months. I had been so mean to Him. For many years, He had no room in my life, and now here I was begging Him to be the center of it.

He took me in His arms and accepted my apology. He looked me in the face and affirmed that I am His daughter. I am His flesh creation, but now, more than that, I am His creation through His Spirit.

He gave me light. My life became clear to me. Whereas before, I lived for pleasure and solely to satisfy myself, I realized I needed to live for Him. In my soul, I needed to live for something beyond myself and that was Him. Ironically, that brings me the most pleasure.

He separated my light from my darkness. I am still a work in progress. But everyday, as I walk with Him, I am dying to the things that don't seem to work for me. Everyday He separates the light that He sparked from my darkness.

Like the Earth, I am a new creation, a first day, a new day.

Shoot your prayer:

How are you a new creation? How has God worked in your life? What areas do you want Him to continue working on in partnership with you?

surprise lessons from the ark (part 1)

¹⁴ So make yourself an ark of cypress ^[c] wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out. ¹⁵ This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high. ^{[d] 16} Make a roof for it and finish ^[e] the ark to within 18 inches ^[f] of the top. Put a door in the side of the ark and make lower, middle and upper decks. (Genesis 6:14-16 NIV)

I've been reading the story of Noah for the past few days, and I've been surprised with the many insights these chapters offer.

The first surprise: the precise instructions that God gives Noah when he builds the ark. God dictated the kind of wood, and the exact measurement for each ark part that Noah had to build. If you're like me, you would've wondered why the writer bothered to list down those numbers. You might have skimmed over those irrelevant bits of information and instead pondered on the types of animal species that existed during Noah's time.

But wait, maybe there is something to those numbers. Have you ever tried baking a cake intuitively? Did you feel like maybe putting a dash of baking soda would have the same effect on your cake as a teaspoon would? Have you ever taken your cake with the dash-of-baking-soda out of the oven and discovered that your teeth weren't created to chew on hard rocks of flour?

Sometimes, we can't help but put on a dash of baking soda when it comes to our relationship with God. He tells us that we need to watch our words when we speak about others, but we rationalize that we're just venting, we have every right to do so and there are no morsels of malice in our hearts. He tells us to think twice about the beggar tapping on our car window, but we tell ourselves that this is not our responsibility. Where the hell are these kids' parents anyway?, we whisper in our minds as we turn away. Where's that Christian NGO that's supposed to take care of them?

He knocks on our door and whispers gently into our hearts. Sacha, see these people from my perspective. Even if there is hostility in their hearts towards you, with my love, you can forgive. You can also go beyond forgiveness, you can bless them. Sacha, think twice about those street children. That's all I want you to do. I'm not asking you to save the world. Just think twice.

Remember the cypress wood? The measurements of 50 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high? The door and lower, middle and upper decks?

God is whispering into our ears, into our hearts. He's telling us the precise materials we need to live abundant lives. He's giving us specific measurements so his blessings will be able to fit. He's requesting that he be our architect because he already knows how to design our lives and where to place his blessings.

He doesn't want us to chew on hard rocks of flour. Our teeth weren't created for that.

Can you hear God whispering into your heart today? What is your response?

forty days and forty nights

one day i read your story
and met a man named Noah
and learned about how you promised him
forty days and forty nights

forty days and forty nights
of floods
forty days and forty nights
of imprisonment in an ark

and there was nothing he could do.

he must have been afraid
he must have been impatient
he must have wondered
what made him deserve this predicament

forty days and forty nights
of darkness
forty days and forty nights
of riding roller coaster waves

and there was nothing he could do.

yet your promise
he kept in his heart
he knew how much
you loved him

he didn't hesitate
to follow your instructions
he didn't hesitate
to trust in you

for he knew that you would save him.

forty days and forty nights
you whispered that this would someday end
forty days and forty nights
you comforted him in your arms

forty days and forty nights
he one day peeked through the ark's cracks
forty days and forty nights
and saw your gift of rainbow

he knew forty days and forty nights
he knew those days would end
he knew those days would end.

where do you find the love?

how do you do it?
how do you find the compassion?
where do you find the love?
how do you extend a hand
and reach out
to those who spit on your face?
how do you say kind words?
how do you say they don't know what they're doing?
how do you turn the other cheek?

how do you love?
how do you love?

i just want to sit at your feet
rest and lean my head on you
and learn from you

for you tell me it isn't impossible
you tell me to forgive with each blade's slice
you tell me that you did this for me
and i believe you.

you want me to do it for them.

where do you find the love?
where do you find the love?

indecision

I don't know where to go
Not sure where I've been
All I know is I want you to hold my hand.

This indecision
Is painful,
So used to figuring things out.

My heart is beating fast
Last night I got nightmares
Don't like being lost.

Just hold my hand
hold my hand
hold my hand.

You are my comfort
I want to be with you twenty four - seven
Assured that you will never leave me.

With you I can be needy
With you I can be myself
You love me the way I am.

So hold my hand
hold my hand
hold my hand.

This indecision is painful
I can't see beyond today
Afraid to make mistakes
Again.

But I know that I can trust you
I know that you want the best for me
I know your love overflows.

So please hold my hand
hold my hand
hold my hand.

And pull me to you
Pull me in the right direction
Pull me to the road that leads to you
And you alone.

But right now I'm in indecision
My stomach turning round
Not used to not deciding.

Now hold my hand
hold my hand
hold my hand,

Cradle me in your arms
and love me through this indecision,
please let me see your light.

spontaneous utterances

Lend me your ears
For these spontaneous utterances
From the well of my heart
Are what I can give you today

Lend me you ears
And smile and smile and smile
As I whisper these spontaneous utterances
Reverse raining to the skies

I am yours
I am yours
You're all I need
You're all I need
I surrender
I surrender
To you.

Let me remember these
Spontaneous utterances
As I fix my gaze
On your eyes
Your eyes
Today.

I know you are listening
And rejoicing as I call
Your name and whisper these
Spontaneous utterances

To you
To you

For I am yours.

prayers shot in the darkness of daylight

You thought you were walking in daylight
Didn't know you were in the shadows
Because you forgot
What the shadows look like

It's deceiving
Doesn't seem to have any meaning
To find yourself back where you started from

It's frustrating
Nothing seems to have meaning
When you find yourself back where you started from

The shadows
That you runaway from
You try and try
Your shadows following you
Where to go
Where to go
I don't know
All I know is I want to get away from this darkness.

Prayers shot in the darkness of daylight
You think you're in the bright
But you're actually not
How did I deceive myself?

Prayers shot in the darkness of daylight
Refused to be swallowed up into this night
Let me see your light
Let me see your light

Prayers shot in the darkness of daylight
I know you'll take me to the light
Once again
I can't wait
I can't wait
To fade into your daylight.

today is a new day

Yes, I've had many new days.
New chapters.
New lives.

I picture my work room.
Tables, chairs, and yes a great view:
Forest trees surrounding a swamp.

It's decent,
It's limited.

When I look up,
I see your doors.
Just infinite doors opening up.
I walk into a door,
And then there's that other door.
I can't see the treasures yet,
Hazy, nebulous, nothing particularly clear.
I can't see what's inside those rooms.

All I know is that I have a sense of joy.
I know I am where I am supposed to be.

I look down I see my work room.
I look up,
I see possibilities,
Eternity.

Thank you, God, for this new day.
Thank you, for this gift of now,
And forever.

Thank you, God, for this new day.